Cat: Big Boy
Owner: Nick
Appearance: A
Big Boy’s flawless stripes ebb and flow like the tides. While his belly would be “slovenly” or “ridiculous” on another cat, on Big Boy the stomach merely serves as an extra piece of canvas on which for God to paint. Indeed, those who journey from his spine to his paunch are treated to a transition from magical stripes to a leopard-patterned belly. His face’s default expression is “insouciance dipped in contempt” as Big Boy is reluctant to be untrue to himself at any time.
Sociability: D
Big Boy has made great strides in his social life in the five years since adoption; His rough upbringing on the streets taught him to use his fists to solve his problems. It also got him involved in street corner doo-wop music, which would prove to be a valuable outlet for his feelings once violence was no longer an option. Still, he struggles to be close to people, preferring to put on a Morrissey record and eat his feelings.
Usefulness: A
Despite his size, our original plans to attach Big Boy to a yoke and have him plow our fields in time for the harvest proved fruitless. He lacks discipline and the time to teach him the value of an honest day’s work has passed. These days, his main function is as the butt of my many, many jokes. In this role, he is unfailingly reliable.
Huggability: F
Again, appearances deceive where Big Boy is concerned. He has soft fur, estimable girth, and shockingly prominent nipples for a boy. It would seem that all the ingredients are there for an excellent hugger. Sadly, Big Boy lacks the emotional vulnerability to give or receive hugs. He also vocally disdains of his mommy and daddy hugging one another in a state of undress, choosing these times to knock over as many things as he can and cause a sufficient ruckus to prevent coitus. His success rate in this pursuit is an alarming 20%.
Overall Grade: C
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